Forgive me. I'm in a bit of a writing frenzy today. It's been a long time since I've actually put my fingers and mind to work and let my thoughts consume a page.
So we will call this Day 5 and dedicate it to the "me" of the past 365 days. With the hopes of not sounding self-important, I think I deserve my own day of thanks. I find that often times I prefer to rely on myself rather than others. However this past year I have tried to challenge myself to allow others to offer support, and for that I am thankful. It is difficult for a rock that often holds the stormy seas of others at bay to let itself become consumed by those seas and find its own structure of support. But it is something that I am learning day by day. I am constantly challenged with this facet of my personality, but I am working to allow the people that I love to bless me with the support that I try to offer them. It's a work in progress, but I think that may be my favorite part of life...the learning never ever stops, and I am one that loves the mind-aerobics.
I think so many times we let our own lives get in our way. We forget to breathe, we forget to listen, we forget to wait, we forget to think, we forget to remember. In a world that is constantly moving and changing, never stopping for our grief or our injury, it is so easy to get lost in the commotion. It's such a tempting lifestyle...always moving, never standing still, never reflecting. I think what most people don't realize is that even though the world may constantly turn, despite the fact that the universe does not stop to mourn for us or with us, we may not be able to stop the world, but we can pause ourselves. Reflection is so important. Without it, we cannot remember who we once were, and we cannot see who we are becoming. For some, it is easier not to acknowledge or reflect, but I find that each year, around this time, I want to reflect, remember and respect the "me" of the past year and the journey that I have been on for the past 365 days. Life itself is a journey, but I like to compartmentalize my "journey" into years, or chapters. You know, chapter 7 "the crazy college girl" of 2007, chapter 8 "dating that jerk" from 2008-2010, chapter 9 "the mindless fun" of 2010, etc. Maybe it is the writer in me, but I prefer to keep my story in chapters. For me, it is easier to reflect on a chapter, close it, and move on to what comes next. We can't honor our past when we cannot give it the respect it deserves.
I feel so lucky to be one of the few people that does not get caught up in the chaos of things. I do not like to dwell on things, I do not get psychotic if my hair doesn't fall just right, I don't have a breakdown if my shoes aren't tight enough or my house isn't set up "just so"....I just cannot fathom dedicating that kind of mental energy to things that are truly irrelevant. No, my day will not be ruined if I turn on the radio only to find that my favorite song is just ending. I cannot sit here and say that my mind is only consumed by intellectually deep and profound truths that are known only by the gods and myself, but I can sit here and say that I personally know what matters to myself; I can also say with confidence that what matters to me is not universal, and I understand that.
Yes, I am a perfectionist. I like my writing to be justified. I like the dishes washed a certain way and put up a certain way. I spend hours making a mix, listening to each song to make sure they flow seamlessly into the next song, and make sure the moods are too splotchy. I like my movie collection to be organized a certain way. I have my own opinions and my own way of doing just about everything under the sun. But recently I have noticed my "know-it-all" attitude, and I have also noticed that it's something that I want to change. That is one of the things that I am going to challenge myself with this year: I do not know everything. There is always another way to do something. My way is NOT the only way. That will be difficult, but I find that I am always up for the challenge. And I will reiterate from an earlier post: it is basically my goal in life to do things differently. For some reason, my soul cannot be at peace with following the majority. I have to go my own way.
Another thing that I want to challenge myself to do is to locate that "sweet Kayla" chapter and make sure that it still exists so that I can reincorporate that into who I am today. Don't get me wrong, I am still sweet Kayla, but a lot of the sweetness is tucked away behind the smart-ass Kayla and the tell-it-like-it-is Kayla. Those took a long time to develop, and trust me they are much needed, but I don't want to lose my heart. For so many years as I tried to dodge the "sweet Kayla" label that was constantly put on me. That is how everyone saw me. But I now realize that there are much worse labels, and to be labeled as sweet wasn't a bad thing.
So here is to working toward the smart-ass-up-front-sassy-but-ultimately-sweet Kayla.
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