The Infinite

Two years.
The lines between forever and no time at all are no longer visible.
There's a giant patch of grey and numbness here
like a shot of morphine in the place where I keep you
dearest, nearest to my heart.
the connection has gone dead.
The melody that you left behind isn't as loud as it once was.
I can't hold you near to me in this realm.
there is an invisible wall between what we are and what we were.
I can't bear to look back.
I can't bear to see what I had and what is now gone.
you are not absent from existence.
but your laugh is absent from my ears.
your smile is absent from my eyes.
your words become more and more muted in my mind.
I don't know how to stop it from fading.
I don't know how to remember you without falling apart.
I don't know how to feel without feeling it all.
It's so cliche to wish for another minute, another hug, another smile.
Just the other night you were near
In my dream, you were standing close and watching silently
as I spent a time in total peace and happiness
it was like a glimpse into the future that I should have had.
I know that you watch over. I know that you hear every word.
I know that you see every tear and that you wish that no more would fall from our eyes.
For a time, you held us in your hands.
For a time, we were able to hold you in ours.
Now, we can only keep you in our hearts.
I believe that words and memories and love keep a spirit alive and present.
Know that I think of you daily, my love still overflows for you.
And on a day like today, that feels infinite, lonely and empty..
on a day like this when I feel the connection is gone,
and when I can no longer feel you near,
I will fill these days with love, memories, melodies and graciousness.
I hope that you are floating freely wherever you choose to go.
I hope that you are playing beautiful music and biding the time until we can be with you again.
You are the truest gem I've ever known.

Enticement and Affirmations

I want to be am enticing.
I want to be am alive.
I want to be am so alive that I can do nothing but say "yes" and live.
I want to be am so alive that when people see me,
my soul is so on fire that I glow from my eyes to my fingertips to my toes.
I want to be am so alive that my lungs are filled with laughter and
my eyes are hungry for the fire in others eyes
I want to burn so brightly that I light up the atmosphere,
that I catch your attention from across the room,
that I consume you.
So much so that our eyes meet
and become one
So much so that our fingertips touch
and sparks mold us into one touch
So much so, that should our lips meet
stars would erupt and
burst from our seams.

Of Fear and Vulnerability

Fear
The feeling of falling
Of completely not knowing
Nauseating, yet
Refreshing
Like the winter time
Windows down
That burst of cold air that blows in your face
Takes your breath away
Fills your lungs with chill
And that vulnerable
and open feeling
of
Life.
Vulnerability.
The stubborn mystery
Cutting yourself open
Bearing yourself
Unsure of how to keep yourself together
While un-tucking your deepest folds
It's terrifying
You're never ready
Or so it feels

What to do?

Words of Old

July 17, 2009

 You never know how much you enjoy being alone, until the sun’s rays are beaming in through your window, and you are begging for the shade of your neighbor palm. 

Sticky skin, warmth bellowing in from all around you, you can feel your nerves are not quite as strong as they should be. 

Cold showers, popsicles, taking a dip in your neighbor’s pool…

Heat drives anger…among other things. 

Causes things to wilt…people to wilt…

But life goes on…

Who knows how people survived back in the day.

Staring through the fan in my window, gazing outside…

I wish for the director’s “Cut”, or a scene change.

I wish for the fading out of the current view, and the brilliant opening to the next chapter.

Life seems to be much more copacetic in the movies.

Barebacked, fans blowing, nothing moving except the hundreds of thoughts in my mind…

Hot air moving from one area to the next, and back…you can pretend to be comfortable.

Pressure is on, truth is revealed…but you can pretend to be comfortable.

Missing the company of my closest companion…my other half.

Wishing that months would pass by like the cars outside…quickly and without interference. 

Missing long talks, text-less evenings, and never-ending laughs…

God i can’t wait for the re-acquaintance.

There is nothing to worry about…

Everything is fine and dandy…aside from the fact that life is ending as I know it.

But even so, I feel a calm peace about me…

There is a weakness that tries to break through the bricks in my skull, 

Beginning to beg me not to do it…

But the bricks will not budge this time, and neither will my decision.

Man if there were only a burst of cool air…

Something to soothe the toiling in my mind, and the sweat on my forehead.

The nighttime is what I am looking for…

You never know how much you enjoy having another, until the cool moist air from the night seeps through the cracks in your window sill, enough to cause goosebumps, and the desire for closeness with that person. 

Cool breeze, Light mist from the lawn, and fluffy clouds above…

Taking a walk while it is bearable…

Challenging yourself.

Enjoy that which you so rarely find…

Twirl a bit, laugh a bit, and be thankful.

Scattered, Random flowers around, like the thoughts in my mind…

It’s hard to write just one thing,

When the words just flow out of my mind all at once.

Do you understand?

Brighter than sunshine..

I don't know how it's possible.
I'm not sure if it's true or real or if my soul is playing tricks on me.
But right now, in this moment, at 12:41 PM, I feel healed.
I feel like something has lifted the curtain that has been covering the part of me that has felt so dark for the past year.
It's like I can finally feel the sunlight raining down on my skin again.
I don't know who is to blame or thank, I don't know why, but I am ok in this moment.
I am happy, excited, eager, enchanted by life and what is in front of me and what lies ahead.
It's been so long since I have felt this way, or perhaps it's simply been so long since I allowed myself to be excited about the future.
I spent many years in some form of a black hole.
I had no idea where I was going or what I wanted.
I was complacent. I had no passion. I was coasting.
I had forgotten who I was.
I am not a complacent person.
I am a passionate person, someone that dives first and thinks later, someone that completely envelopes myself into the things that I do.
I had neglected that facet of myself.
I was lost for so long.
Today, I feel found.
It's a wonderful thing.
Crazy/exciting/terrifying/BIG things are in store.
Things I'd never imagined for myself, but things that seem to fit right in with me.
I can't wait.
The future is bright.

The Uncertainty of Being

I'm not sure that we ever truly know what we need.
I'm not sure that we ever say the right thing or make the right gesture.
I'm not sure that we aren't constantly disappointing each other.
I'm not sure that we aren't constantly disappointing ourselves.

I am sure, however, that we are learning every single day.
I am sure that tiny pieces of life reveal themselves to us daily.

If you say that you don't learn something new everyday, you are lying.
Each day shows us something new: about ourselves, about other people, about life, about our surroundings.
Isn't that beautiful?

There are days when I'm not sure where I belong.
There are days when I'm not sure who I belong with. Many, many days.
There are days when I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be.

But then there are those bright and beautiful days...
the days that reveal to me secrets about myself and about the universe.



These days tell me that I am exactly where I belong.

These days tell me that I am the best version of myself in this moment.

These days tell me that life is beautiful, forgiving, abundant, and overflowing with love and light.


As the sun caresses my skin with its warmth
and the music tickles my soul with its sweet melodies,
I feel concrete.
I feel certain.
I feel right.

Make A Plan to Love Me Sometime Soon

Let's all take a moment and pay homage to the person that we once were.
To the person that brought us to where we are right now in this very second.
To the person that hopefully is the best version of ourselves.
We would not be standing here without her/him.
The past few days have brought along a lot of reflection.
I've spent countless minutes going through old parts of myself.
Things that I once wrote.
Things that I once said to other people.
Things that were said to me.
It is nice sometimes to just step back inside my mind and find the place that I once was, and reconnect to the person that I once was.
I've said it before and I will say it again:
you have to learn to appreciate the person you once were in order to see the person that you are becoming.
I think the most important lesson I've learned in my reflecting the last few days (and pardon my language):
Maybe I'm not as fucked up as I assumed I always was.
To finally come to that conclusions was liberating. Though it may sound funny (or offensive).
Regardless, it is the truth.
I walked the earth for so many years as a young child, teenager, and even young adult, believing that there was something terminally wrong with me. I thought perhaps my emotional facilities weren't quite up to par, maybe there were some short circuits in the mental aspect of things. I was just so certain that SOMETHING was wrong with me, that I was different, that I just wasn't 100%. But looking back now at the person that I used to be, there was nothing wrong with me. Despite life's many attempts to bring me down and break me, I have made it, successfully, thus far. That is such an accomplishment. I have never given myself enough credit.

I may be a little damaged.
I may have a few scars.
But then again,

who doesn't? 

And if you feel like you're drowning...

“This is what you do. If you feel low, you stand tall. You mess up, you move on. You want to try something, try it, and if it was a stupid thing to try, you look it in the eye. There's no turning back. You apologize if you're sorry, but know that the nimblest, strongest hands can't rebuild a bridge out of embers, so cut new wood. Start from scratch. You love with your whole heart. If you're jealous, talk yourself from the ledge. If you can't talk yourself down from the ledge, have a good time up there, looking down on the world. If you have to lie to make everything true again, lie like you mean it. If you find yourself in a cage, reach out through the bars for the key, unlock the door, and run away. If running away gets dangerous, run home. If home doesn't mean what it used to mean, decide what home will be in the future. If your best friend says she doesn't trust you, hold her jaw in your hand until it hurts, and make her face you. Thats all it takes. If you think you love a guy, see how his hand looks in yours, thats all it takes. If you get exiled into a new land, then go discover it. And if you feel like you're drowning, go swimming."
- Hobson Brown