Of Fear and Vulnerability

Fear
The feeling of falling
Of completely not knowing
Nauseating, yet
Refreshing
Like the winter time
Windows down
That burst of cold air that blows in your face
Takes your breath away
Fills your lungs with chill
And that vulnerable
and open feeling
of
Life.
Vulnerability.
The stubborn mystery
Cutting yourself open
Bearing yourself
Unsure of how to keep yourself together
While un-tucking your deepest folds
It's terrifying
You're never ready
Or so it feels

What to do?

Moments

September 2008

Moments.
In your eyes I knew.
Attraction.
Relentless love.
Neverending.
Surrender your loneliness to me.
Complete the gap between us.
Put your hand in mine.
Sunset ahead.
Aimless wandering it seems...
Purpose?
Destiny.
Resistance in tow.
Obstacles all around.
Stay or go?
Love me now.
Forever.
Return.
Persist in me.
Pursue my affection.
Follow my direction.
Give up your pride.
Have me. 
Erase.
Let go.
Allow. 
Have faith.
Loyalty.
I will never leave.
Be.
Be my love.

Words of Old

July 17, 2009

 You never know how much you enjoy being alone, until the sun’s rays are beaming in through your window, and you are begging for the shade of your neighbor palm. 

Sticky skin, warmth bellowing in from all around you, you can feel your nerves are not quite as strong as they should be. 

Cold showers, popsicles, taking a dip in your neighbor’s pool…

Heat drives anger…among other things. 

Causes things to wilt…people to wilt…

But life goes on…

Who knows how people survived back in the day.

Staring through the fan in my window, gazing outside…

I wish for the director’s “Cut”, or a scene change.

I wish for the fading out of the current view, and the brilliant opening to the next chapter.

Life seems to be much more copacetic in the movies.

Barebacked, fans blowing, nothing moving except the hundreds of thoughts in my mind…

Hot air moving from one area to the next, and back…you can pretend to be comfortable.

Pressure is on, truth is revealed…but you can pretend to be comfortable.

Missing the company of my closest companion…my other half.

Wishing that months would pass by like the cars outside…quickly and without interference. 

Missing long talks, text-less evenings, and never-ending laughs…

God i can’t wait for the re-acquaintance.

There is nothing to worry about…

Everything is fine and dandy…aside from the fact that life is ending as I know it.

But even so, I feel a calm peace about me…

There is a weakness that tries to break through the bricks in my skull, 

Beginning to beg me not to do it…

But the bricks will not budge this time, and neither will my decision.

Man if there were only a burst of cool air…

Something to soothe the toiling in my mind, and the sweat on my forehead.

The nighttime is what I am looking for…

You never know how much you enjoy having another, until the cool moist air from the night seeps through the cracks in your window sill, enough to cause goosebumps, and the desire for closeness with that person. 

Cool breeze, Light mist from the lawn, and fluffy clouds above…

Taking a walk while it is bearable…

Challenging yourself.

Enjoy that which you so rarely find…

Twirl a bit, laugh a bit, and be thankful.

Scattered, Random flowers around, like the thoughts in my mind…

It’s hard to write just one thing,

When the words just flow out of my mind all at once.

Do you understand?

The Uncertainty of Being

I'm not sure that we ever truly know what we need.
I'm not sure that we ever say the right thing or make the right gesture.
I'm not sure that we aren't constantly disappointing each other.
I'm not sure that we aren't constantly disappointing ourselves.

I am sure, however, that we are learning every single day.
I am sure that tiny pieces of life reveal themselves to us daily.

If you say that you don't learn something new everyday, you are lying.
Each day shows us something new: about ourselves, about other people, about life, about our surroundings.
Isn't that beautiful?

There are days when I'm not sure where I belong.
There are days when I'm not sure who I belong with. Many, many days.
There are days when I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be.

But then there are those bright and beautiful days...
the days that reveal to me secrets about myself and about the universe.



These days tell me that I am exactly where I belong.

These days tell me that I am the best version of myself in this moment.

These days tell me that life is beautiful, forgiving, abundant, and overflowing with love and light.


As the sun caresses my skin with its warmth
and the music tickles my soul with its sweet melodies,
I feel concrete.
I feel certain.
I feel right.

Obsolete

Filling the space, filling the time
Avoiding the space between my thoughts and this page
Lacking inspiration, or maybe motivation
Lacking a muse or a love greater than the stars
Is this really necessary?

Spending the night out under the stars,
Drinks in my hands and running through my veins
Laughter pouring out from my soul
Lingering on my eyes and the corners of my mouth
Is this what it's about?

So many questions left unanswered
So many thoughts wondering around
In the corners of my messy mind
Without roots, sailing on
Without hope of finding their shore

The unexplained lingers
The questions expand and release
Some answered, others increasing with each passing moment
Defenses on and then off, on again
How does it feel to be certain?


My own mind creeping up on me
Slowly and sneakily
Until finally, in the grand scheme, I stop fighting
And my worries are rendered
Obsolete