Enticement and Affirmations

I want to be am enticing.
I want to be am alive.
I want to be am so alive that I can do nothing but say "yes" and live.
I want to be am so alive that when people see me,
my soul is so on fire that I glow from my eyes to my fingertips to my toes.
I want to be am so alive that my lungs are filled with laughter and
my eyes are hungry for the fire in others eyes
I want to burn so brightly that I light up the atmosphere,
that I catch your attention from across the room,
that I consume you.
So much so that our eyes meet
and become one
So much so that our fingertips touch
and sparks mold us into one touch
So much so, that should our lips meet
stars would erupt and
burst from our seams.

Of Fear and Vulnerability

Fear
The feeling of falling
Of completely not knowing
Nauseating, yet
Refreshing
Like the winter time
Windows down
That burst of cold air that blows in your face
Takes your breath away
Fills your lungs with chill
And that vulnerable
and open feeling
of
Life.
Vulnerability.
The stubborn mystery
Cutting yourself open
Bearing yourself
Unsure of how to keep yourself together
While un-tucking your deepest folds
It's terrifying
You're never ready
Or so it feels

What to do?

Moments

September 2008

Moments.
In your eyes I knew.
Attraction.
Relentless love.
Neverending.
Surrender your loneliness to me.
Complete the gap between us.
Put your hand in mine.
Sunset ahead.
Aimless wandering it seems...
Purpose?
Destiny.
Resistance in tow.
Obstacles all around.
Stay or go?
Love me now.
Forever.
Return.
Persist in me.
Pursue my affection.
Follow my direction.
Give up your pride.
Have me. 
Erase.
Let go.
Allow. 
Have faith.
Loyalty.
I will never leave.
Be.
Be my love.

Words of Old

July 17, 2009

 You never know how much you enjoy being alone, until the sun’s rays are beaming in through your window, and you are begging for the shade of your neighbor palm. 

Sticky skin, warmth bellowing in from all around you, you can feel your nerves are not quite as strong as they should be. 

Cold showers, popsicles, taking a dip in your neighbor’s pool…

Heat drives anger…among other things. 

Causes things to wilt…people to wilt…

But life goes on…

Who knows how people survived back in the day.

Staring through the fan in my window, gazing outside…

I wish for the director’s “Cut”, or a scene change.

I wish for the fading out of the current view, and the brilliant opening to the next chapter.

Life seems to be much more copacetic in the movies.

Barebacked, fans blowing, nothing moving except the hundreds of thoughts in my mind…

Hot air moving from one area to the next, and back…you can pretend to be comfortable.

Pressure is on, truth is revealed…but you can pretend to be comfortable.

Missing the company of my closest companion…my other half.

Wishing that months would pass by like the cars outside…quickly and without interference. 

Missing long talks, text-less evenings, and never-ending laughs…

God i can’t wait for the re-acquaintance.

There is nothing to worry about…

Everything is fine and dandy…aside from the fact that life is ending as I know it.

But even so, I feel a calm peace about me…

There is a weakness that tries to break through the bricks in my skull, 

Beginning to beg me not to do it…

But the bricks will not budge this time, and neither will my decision.

Man if there were only a burst of cool air…

Something to soothe the toiling in my mind, and the sweat on my forehead.

The nighttime is what I am looking for…

You never know how much you enjoy having another, until the cool moist air from the night seeps through the cracks in your window sill, enough to cause goosebumps, and the desire for closeness with that person. 

Cool breeze, Light mist from the lawn, and fluffy clouds above…

Taking a walk while it is bearable…

Challenging yourself.

Enjoy that which you so rarely find…

Twirl a bit, laugh a bit, and be thankful.

Scattered, Random flowers around, like the thoughts in my mind…

It’s hard to write just one thing,

When the words just flow out of my mind all at once.

Do you understand?

Make A Plan to Love Me Sometime Soon

Let's all take a moment and pay homage to the person that we once were.
To the person that brought us to where we are right now in this very second.
To the person that hopefully is the best version of ourselves.
We would not be standing here without her/him.
The past few days have brought along a lot of reflection.
I've spent countless minutes going through old parts of myself.
Things that I once wrote.
Things that I once said to other people.
Things that were said to me.
It is nice sometimes to just step back inside my mind and find the place that I once was, and reconnect to the person that I once was.
I've said it before and I will say it again:
you have to learn to appreciate the person you once were in order to see the person that you are becoming.
I think the most important lesson I've learned in my reflecting the last few days (and pardon my language):
Maybe I'm not as fucked up as I assumed I always was.
To finally come to that conclusions was liberating. Though it may sound funny (or offensive).
Regardless, it is the truth.
I walked the earth for so many years as a young child, teenager, and even young adult, believing that there was something terminally wrong with me. I thought perhaps my emotional facilities weren't quite up to par, maybe there were some short circuits in the mental aspect of things. I was just so certain that SOMETHING was wrong with me, that I was different, that I just wasn't 100%. But looking back now at the person that I used to be, there was nothing wrong with me. Despite life's many attempts to bring me down and break me, I have made it, successfully, thus far. That is such an accomplishment. I have never given myself enough credit.

I may be a little damaged.
I may have a few scars.
But then again,

who doesn't? 

Shake the Dust

Reflection
Illusion
what's the difference

With each beat
a memory rises
shakes off the dust
regains its color
comes back to life
moves across the room
moving across my mind
filling my heartbeats

so close that it can almost be felt
so far that it breaks your heart
all over again

wouldn't it be nice
for one night
to hide away
beneath a fort of blankets
and take a peek
into yesterday
and pretend
it hasn't gone away

the past whispers
what seems to be true
in this moment
who knows
the future hides behind a mask
or so it seems

wipe your tears
wipe the sweat from the nape of your nake
wipe the blood from your collar bone
carry on

Obsolete

Filling the space, filling the time
Avoiding the space between my thoughts and this page
Lacking inspiration, or maybe motivation
Lacking a muse or a love greater than the stars
Is this really necessary?

Spending the night out under the stars,
Drinks in my hands and running through my veins
Laughter pouring out from my soul
Lingering on my eyes and the corners of my mouth
Is this what it's about?

So many questions left unanswered
So many thoughts wondering around
In the corners of my messy mind
Without roots, sailing on
Without hope of finding their shore

The unexplained lingers
The questions expand and release
Some answered, others increasing with each passing moment
Defenses on and then off, on again
How does it feel to be certain?


My own mind creeping up on me
Slowly and sneakily
Until finally, in the grand scheme, I stop fighting
And my worries are rendered
Obsolete