The Infinite

Two years.
The lines between forever and no time at all are no longer visible.
There's a giant patch of grey and numbness here
like a shot of morphine in the place where I keep you
dearest, nearest to my heart.
the connection has gone dead.
The melody that you left behind isn't as loud as it once was.
I can't hold you near to me in this realm.
there is an invisible wall between what we are and what we were.
I can't bear to look back.
I can't bear to see what I had and what is now gone.
you are not absent from existence.
but your laugh is absent from my ears.
your smile is absent from my eyes.
your words become more and more muted in my mind.
I don't know how to stop it from fading.
I don't know how to remember you without falling apart.
I don't know how to feel without feeling it all.
It's so cliche to wish for another minute, another hug, another smile.
Just the other night you were near
In my dream, you were standing close and watching silently
as I spent a time in total peace and happiness
it was like a glimpse into the future that I should have had.
I know that you watch over. I know that you hear every word.
I know that you see every tear and that you wish that no more would fall from our eyes.
For a time, you held us in your hands.
For a time, we were able to hold you in ours.
Now, we can only keep you in our hearts.
I believe that words and memories and love keep a spirit alive and present.
Know that I think of you daily, my love still overflows for you.
And on a day like today, that feels infinite, lonely and empty..
on a day like this when I feel the connection is gone,
and when I can no longer feel you near,
I will fill these days with love, memories, melodies and graciousness.
I hope that you are floating freely wherever you choose to go.
I hope that you are playing beautiful music and biding the time until we can be with you again.
You are the truest gem I've ever known.

Only Dreaming

Today was a tough day.
I woke up from a sleep only to be reminded of what was missing.
I dreamt a dream that was lovely and happy (and partly odd - but that's a different story).
I dreamt a dream that my pop was here with us, and that he was playing music, and for once I actually got to hear his voice.
He followed his old routing. He sat in his old chair. He talked with the same mannerisms.
Usually when I dream of him he never speaks, but I finally got to hear his voice.
After a year.
When I woke up, all I wanted was to repeat my dream...
to see his smile...to hear him talk for hours on end,
even though I know if he were here there would be no way in hell he'd talk for hours.
I woke up today missing his smile, his laugh, his voice, his kindness, and most of all his hugs.
Somedays it's as if he is simply working out of town or in Branson, and it's easy to allow my mind to just settle for that explanation.
But days like today are tough. Days like tomorrow are excruciating. Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 65 years young.
It's just another year that he was robbed of.
And that fact is excruciating.
I would give anything to just sit with him and feel his hug again - no one has ever hugged me like he did. I miss that so much. I miss everything about him.
It's easier to not acknowledge that I miss him so much.
It's easier to say that I'm fine and just go on with my life.
But there is a giant hole in my life where he was so present, and is now missing.
I know that he isn't far...I know that I carry part of him with me always, but it's not enough.
I miss the person that he inspired me to be.
The day he died, the world lost a lot of goodness.
I miss my pop. I miss our family dynamic.
All I want to do is curl up against someone and just be...but that person is just...unavailable.
It's just one of those days.