Only Dreaming

Today was a tough day.
I woke up from a sleep only to be reminded of what was missing.
I dreamt a dream that was lovely and happy (and partly odd - but that's a different story).
I dreamt a dream that my pop was here with us, and that he was playing music, and for once I actually got to hear his voice.
He followed his old routing. He sat in his old chair. He talked with the same mannerisms.
Usually when I dream of him he never speaks, but I finally got to hear his voice.
After a year.
When I woke up, all I wanted was to repeat my dream...
to see his smile...to hear him talk for hours on end,
even though I know if he were here there would be no way in hell he'd talk for hours.
I woke up today missing his smile, his laugh, his voice, his kindness, and most of all his hugs.
Somedays it's as if he is simply working out of town or in Branson, and it's easy to allow my mind to just settle for that explanation.
But days like today are tough. Days like tomorrow are excruciating. Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 65 years young.
It's just another year that he was robbed of.
And that fact is excruciating.
I would give anything to just sit with him and feel his hug again - no one has ever hugged me like he did. I miss that so much. I miss everything about him.
It's easier to not acknowledge that I miss him so much.
It's easier to say that I'm fine and just go on with my life.
But there is a giant hole in my life where he was so present, and is now missing.
I know that he isn't far...I know that I carry part of him with me always, but it's not enough.
I miss the person that he inspired me to be.
The day he died, the world lost a lot of goodness.
I miss my pop. I miss our family dynamic.
All I want to do is curl up against someone and just be...but that person is just...unavailable.
It's just one of those days.