The Infinite

Two years.
The lines between forever and no time at all are no longer visible.
There's a giant patch of grey and numbness here
like a shot of morphine in the place where I keep you
dearest, nearest to my heart.
the connection has gone dead.
The melody that you left behind isn't as loud as it once was.
I can't hold you near to me in this realm.
there is an invisible wall between what we are and what we were.
I can't bear to look back.
I can't bear to see what I had and what is now gone.
you are not absent from existence.
but your laugh is absent from my ears.
your smile is absent from my eyes.
your words become more and more muted in my mind.
I don't know how to stop it from fading.
I don't know how to remember you without falling apart.
I don't know how to feel without feeling it all.
It's so cliche to wish for another minute, another hug, another smile.
Just the other night you were near
In my dream, you were standing close and watching silently
as I spent a time in total peace and happiness
it was like a glimpse into the future that I should have had.
I know that you watch over. I know that you hear every word.
I know that you see every tear and that you wish that no more would fall from our eyes.
For a time, you held us in your hands.
For a time, we were able to hold you in ours.
Now, we can only keep you in our hearts.
I believe that words and memories and love keep a spirit alive and present.
Know that I think of you daily, my love still overflows for you.
And on a day like today, that feels infinite, lonely and empty..
on a day like this when I feel the connection is gone,
and when I can no longer feel you near,
I will fill these days with love, memories, melodies and graciousness.
I hope that you are floating freely wherever you choose to go.
I hope that you are playing beautiful music and biding the time until we can be with you again.
You are the truest gem I've ever known.

Brighter than sunshine..

I don't know how it's possible.
I'm not sure if it's true or real or if my soul is playing tricks on me.
But right now, in this moment, at 12:41 PM, I feel healed.
I feel like something has lifted the curtain that has been covering the part of me that has felt so dark for the past year.
It's like I can finally feel the sunlight raining down on my skin again.
I don't know who is to blame or thank, I don't know why, but I am ok in this moment.
I am happy, excited, eager, enchanted by life and what is in front of me and what lies ahead.
It's been so long since I have felt this way, or perhaps it's simply been so long since I allowed myself to be excited about the future.
I spent many years in some form of a black hole.
I had no idea where I was going or what I wanted.
I was complacent. I had no passion. I was coasting.
I had forgotten who I was.
I am not a complacent person.
I am a passionate person, someone that dives first and thinks later, someone that completely envelopes myself into the things that I do.
I had neglected that facet of myself.
I was lost for so long.
Today, I feel found.
It's a wonderful thing.
Crazy/exciting/terrifying/BIG things are in store.
Things I'd never imagined for myself, but things that seem to fit right in with me.
I can't wait.
The future is bright.

Only Dreaming

Today was a tough day.
I woke up from a sleep only to be reminded of what was missing.
I dreamt a dream that was lovely and happy (and partly odd - but that's a different story).
I dreamt a dream that my pop was here with us, and that he was playing music, and for once I actually got to hear his voice.
He followed his old routing. He sat in his old chair. He talked with the same mannerisms.
Usually when I dream of him he never speaks, but I finally got to hear his voice.
After a year.
When I woke up, all I wanted was to repeat my dream...
to see his smile...to hear him talk for hours on end,
even though I know if he were here there would be no way in hell he'd talk for hours.
I woke up today missing his smile, his laugh, his voice, his kindness, and most of all his hugs.
Somedays it's as if he is simply working out of town or in Branson, and it's easy to allow my mind to just settle for that explanation.
But days like today are tough. Days like tomorrow are excruciating. Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 65 years young.
It's just another year that he was robbed of.
And that fact is excruciating.
I would give anything to just sit with him and feel his hug again - no one has ever hugged me like he did. I miss that so much. I miss everything about him.
It's easier to not acknowledge that I miss him so much.
It's easier to say that I'm fine and just go on with my life.
But there is a giant hole in my life where he was so present, and is now missing.
I know that he isn't far...I know that I carry part of him with me always, but it's not enough.
I miss the person that he inspired me to be.
The day he died, the world lost a lot of goodness.
I miss my pop. I miss our family dynamic.
All I want to do is curl up against someone and just be...but that person is just...unavailable.
It's just one of those days.

Make A Plan to Love Me Sometime Soon

Let's all take a moment and pay homage to the person that we once were.
To the person that brought us to where we are right now in this very second.
To the person that hopefully is the best version of ourselves.
We would not be standing here without her/him.
The past few days have brought along a lot of reflection.
I've spent countless minutes going through old parts of myself.
Things that I once wrote.
Things that I once said to other people.
Things that were said to me.
It is nice sometimes to just step back inside my mind and find the place that I once was, and reconnect to the person that I once was.
I've said it before and I will say it again:
you have to learn to appreciate the person you once were in order to see the person that you are becoming.
I think the most important lesson I've learned in my reflecting the last few days (and pardon my language):
Maybe I'm not as fucked up as I assumed I always was.
To finally come to that conclusions was liberating. Though it may sound funny (or offensive).
Regardless, it is the truth.
I walked the earth for so many years as a young child, teenager, and even young adult, believing that there was something terminally wrong with me. I thought perhaps my emotional facilities weren't quite up to par, maybe there were some short circuits in the mental aspect of things. I was just so certain that SOMETHING was wrong with me, that I was different, that I just wasn't 100%. But looking back now at the person that I used to be, there was nothing wrong with me. Despite life's many attempts to bring me down and break me, I have made it, successfully, thus far. That is such an accomplishment. I have never given myself enough credit.

I may be a little damaged.
I may have a few scars.
But then again,

who doesn't? 

Skinny Love

This is not something that I wrote, but it's definitely something to consider:

Maybe today you could remember to appreciate someone in your life who you love, even if that person is tough to love sometimes.

Think about how much better their life is because you acknowledge their love.

Think about how much better your life is because you acknowledge theirs.

I think about this sometimes, and then I wonder how many people - asked to remember those in their lives whom they love despite the challenge - would think of me...

How boring would it be if we only accepted easy love?

(Also - make friends in grocery store lines)

Against the Grain

Time to turn a new leaf! Starting fresh with new goals, new mantras, and a new blog! I'm new to this blog format, so forgive me while I get comfortable in the new habitat.

So it is now November, my birthday month. October came and left like a thief in the night! As both my birthday and Thanksgiving are approaching, I always get into a contemplative state of mind and try to evaluate the past year since my prior birthday. I know that during November, men aren't supposed to shave (thank you, Jesus! Can I get an amen?!) and women are supposed to not wear makeup or something along those lines (let's face it...can we REALLY go a month without shaving? That's just gross.). People put up a new "thankful" statement, some serious while others are a humorous interpretation. So rather than follow the norm, which you will soon find out is something that I go out of my way to AVOID...I'm going to do 30 days of thankful for the people in my life who have kept me going this past year. It's been a tough year, but a year full of growth and discovery. I'm a little bit behind, so I'm going to cram a few people into the first few posts.