Soy Boys Candles

You know you want to order some 100% American, handmade soy candles from two good looking bearded Nashvillian men. Do yourself a favor! 

www.soyboyscandles.com

The Infinite

Two years.
The lines between forever and no time at all are no longer visible.
There's a giant patch of grey and numbness here
like a shot of morphine in the place where I keep you
dearest, nearest to my heart.
the connection has gone dead.
The melody that you left behind isn't as loud as it once was.
I can't hold you near to me in this realm.
there is an invisible wall between what we are and what we were.
I can't bear to look back.
I can't bear to see what I had and what is now gone.
you are not absent from existence.
but your laugh is absent from my ears.
your smile is absent from my eyes.
your words become more and more muted in my mind.
I don't know how to stop it from fading.
I don't know how to remember you without falling apart.
I don't know how to feel without feeling it all.
It's so cliche to wish for another minute, another hug, another smile.
Just the other night you were near
In my dream, you were standing close and watching silently
as I spent a time in total peace and happiness
it was like a glimpse into the future that I should have had.
I know that you watch over. I know that you hear every word.
I know that you see every tear and that you wish that no more would fall from our eyes.
For a time, you held us in your hands.
For a time, we were able to hold you in ours.
Now, we can only keep you in our hearts.
I believe that words and memories and love keep a spirit alive and present.
Know that I think of you daily, my love still overflows for you.
And on a day like today, that feels infinite, lonely and empty..
on a day like this when I feel the connection is gone,
and when I can no longer feel you near,
I will fill these days with love, memories, melodies and graciousness.
I hope that you are floating freely wherever you choose to go.
I hope that you are playing beautiful music and biding the time until we can be with you again.
You are the truest gem I've ever known.

Gravity

Things are on the verge..

Everything. 

Like a dam about to burst. 

Good things are here, now, later. 

Emotions are built up, overflowing. 

New season...new moon? Full moon?

Time is passing by so quickly. 

Why does no one notice?

Nothing can ever stay as it is. 

No one can ever stay. 

There is a certain heaviness

Lingering

Night after night

The onset of autumn

Cascading into winter

Where is the lightness?

Emotions light as a snowflake. 

But instead

Heavy and seemingly empty, as a bucket of melting snow. 

What is ahead?

Wouldn't it be nice to know?

Right now,

Heaviness rests upon the heart

In the light of the moon. 

Where is the gravity when you need it?

Enticement and Affirmations

I want to be am enticing.
I want to be am alive.
I want to be am so alive that I can do nothing but say "yes" and live.
I want to be am so alive that when people see me,
my soul is so on fire that I glow from my eyes to my fingertips to my toes.
I want to be am so alive that my lungs are filled with laughter and
my eyes are hungry for the fire in others eyes
I want to burn so brightly that I light up the atmosphere,
that I catch your attention from across the room,
that I consume you.
So much so that our eyes meet
and become one
So much so that our fingertips touch
and sparks mold us into one touch
So much so, that should our lips meet
stars would erupt and
burst from our seams.

Of Fear and Vulnerability

Fear
The feeling of falling
Of completely not knowing
Nauseating, yet
Refreshing
Like the winter time
Windows down
That burst of cold air that blows in your face
Takes your breath away
Fills your lungs with chill
And that vulnerable
and open feeling
of
Life.
Vulnerability.
The stubborn mystery
Cutting yourself open
Bearing yourself
Unsure of how to keep yourself together
While un-tucking your deepest folds
It's terrifying
You're never ready
Or so it feels

What to do?

Moments

September 2008

Moments.
In your eyes I knew.
Attraction.
Relentless love.
Neverending.
Surrender your loneliness to me.
Complete the gap between us.
Put your hand in mine.
Sunset ahead.
Aimless wandering it seems...
Purpose?
Destiny.
Resistance in tow.
Obstacles all around.
Stay or go?
Love me now.
Forever.
Return.
Persist in me.
Pursue my affection.
Follow my direction.
Give up your pride.
Have me. 
Erase.
Let go.
Allow. 
Have faith.
Loyalty.
I will never leave.
Be.
Be my love.

Words of Old

July 17, 2009

 You never know how much you enjoy being alone, until the sun’s rays are beaming in through your window, and you are begging for the shade of your neighbor palm. 

Sticky skin, warmth bellowing in from all around you, you can feel your nerves are not quite as strong as they should be. 

Cold showers, popsicles, taking a dip in your neighbor’s pool…

Heat drives anger…among other things. 

Causes things to wilt…people to wilt…

But life goes on…

Who knows how people survived back in the day.

Staring through the fan in my window, gazing outside…

I wish for the director’s “Cut”, or a scene change.

I wish for the fading out of the current view, and the brilliant opening to the next chapter.

Life seems to be much more copacetic in the movies.

Barebacked, fans blowing, nothing moving except the hundreds of thoughts in my mind…

Hot air moving from one area to the next, and back…you can pretend to be comfortable.

Pressure is on, truth is revealed…but you can pretend to be comfortable.

Missing the company of my closest companion…my other half.

Wishing that months would pass by like the cars outside…quickly and without interference. 

Missing long talks, text-less evenings, and never-ending laughs…

God i can’t wait for the re-acquaintance.

There is nothing to worry about…

Everything is fine and dandy…aside from the fact that life is ending as I know it.

But even so, I feel a calm peace about me…

There is a weakness that tries to break through the bricks in my skull, 

Beginning to beg me not to do it…

But the bricks will not budge this time, and neither will my decision.

Man if there were only a burst of cool air…

Something to soothe the toiling in my mind, and the sweat on my forehead.

The nighttime is what I am looking for…

You never know how much you enjoy having another, until the cool moist air from the night seeps through the cracks in your window sill, enough to cause goosebumps, and the desire for closeness with that person. 

Cool breeze, Light mist from the lawn, and fluffy clouds above…

Taking a walk while it is bearable…

Challenging yourself.

Enjoy that which you so rarely find…

Twirl a bit, laugh a bit, and be thankful.

Scattered, Random flowers around, like the thoughts in my mind…

It’s hard to write just one thing,

When the words just flow out of my mind all at once.

Do you understand?

Whale..

i’ve been swimming for a thousand years

and i’ve seen more than you can realize

i accept that you will never understand

so i will gladly take your hand

Brighter than sunshine..

I don't know how it's possible.
I'm not sure if it's true or real or if my soul is playing tricks on me.
But right now, in this moment, at 12:41 PM, I feel healed.
I feel like something has lifted the curtain that has been covering the part of me that has felt so dark for the past year.
It's like I can finally feel the sunlight raining down on my skin again.
I don't know who is to blame or thank, I don't know why, but I am ok in this moment.
I am happy, excited, eager, enchanted by life and what is in front of me and what lies ahead.
It's been so long since I have felt this way, or perhaps it's simply been so long since I allowed myself to be excited about the future.
I spent many years in some form of a black hole.
I had no idea where I was going or what I wanted.
I was complacent. I had no passion. I was coasting.
I had forgotten who I was.
I am not a complacent person.
I am a passionate person, someone that dives first and thinks later, someone that completely envelopes myself into the things that I do.
I had neglected that facet of myself.
I was lost for so long.
Today, I feel found.
It's a wonderful thing.
Crazy/exciting/terrifying/BIG things are in store.
Things I'd never imagined for myself, but things that seem to fit right in with me.
I can't wait.
The future is bright.

Only Dreaming

Today was a tough day.
I woke up from a sleep only to be reminded of what was missing.
I dreamt a dream that was lovely and happy (and partly odd - but that's a different story).
I dreamt a dream that my pop was here with us, and that he was playing music, and for once I actually got to hear his voice.
He followed his old routing. He sat in his old chair. He talked with the same mannerisms.
Usually when I dream of him he never speaks, but I finally got to hear his voice.
After a year.
When I woke up, all I wanted was to repeat my dream...
to see his smile...to hear him talk for hours on end,
even though I know if he were here there would be no way in hell he'd talk for hours.
I woke up today missing his smile, his laugh, his voice, his kindness, and most of all his hugs.
Somedays it's as if he is simply working out of town or in Branson, and it's easy to allow my mind to just settle for that explanation.
But days like today are tough. Days like tomorrow are excruciating. Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 65 years young.
It's just another year that he was robbed of.
And that fact is excruciating.
I would give anything to just sit with him and feel his hug again - no one has ever hugged me like he did. I miss that so much. I miss everything about him.
It's easier to not acknowledge that I miss him so much.
It's easier to say that I'm fine and just go on with my life.
But there is a giant hole in my life where he was so present, and is now missing.
I know that he isn't far...I know that I carry part of him with me always, but it's not enough.
I miss the person that he inspired me to be.
The day he died, the world lost a lot of goodness.
I miss my pop. I miss our family dynamic.
All I want to do is curl up against someone and just be...but that person is just...unavailable.
It's just one of those days.

The Uncertainty of Being

I'm not sure that we ever truly know what we need.
I'm not sure that we ever say the right thing or make the right gesture.
I'm not sure that we aren't constantly disappointing each other.
I'm not sure that we aren't constantly disappointing ourselves.

I am sure, however, that we are learning every single day.
I am sure that tiny pieces of life reveal themselves to us daily.

If you say that you don't learn something new everyday, you are lying.
Each day shows us something new: about ourselves, about other people, about life, about our surroundings.
Isn't that beautiful?

There are days when I'm not sure where I belong.
There are days when I'm not sure who I belong with. Many, many days.
There are days when I'm not sure who I'm supposed to be.

But then there are those bright and beautiful days...
the days that reveal to me secrets about myself and about the universe.



These days tell me that I am exactly where I belong.

These days tell me that I am the best version of myself in this moment.

These days tell me that life is beautiful, forgiving, abundant, and overflowing with love and light.


As the sun caresses my skin with its warmth
and the music tickles my soul with its sweet melodies,
I feel concrete.
I feel certain.
I feel right.

Make A Plan to Love Me Sometime Soon

Let's all take a moment and pay homage to the person that we once were.
To the person that brought us to where we are right now in this very second.
To the person that hopefully is the best version of ourselves.
We would not be standing here without her/him.
The past few days have brought along a lot of reflection.
I've spent countless minutes going through old parts of myself.
Things that I once wrote.
Things that I once said to other people.
Things that were said to me.
It is nice sometimes to just step back inside my mind and find the place that I once was, and reconnect to the person that I once was.
I've said it before and I will say it again:
you have to learn to appreciate the person you once were in order to see the person that you are becoming.
I think the most important lesson I've learned in my reflecting the last few days (and pardon my language):
Maybe I'm not as fucked up as I assumed I always was.
To finally come to that conclusions was liberating. Though it may sound funny (or offensive).
Regardless, it is the truth.
I walked the earth for so many years as a young child, teenager, and even young adult, believing that there was something terminally wrong with me. I thought perhaps my emotional facilities weren't quite up to par, maybe there were some short circuits in the mental aspect of things. I was just so certain that SOMETHING was wrong with me, that I was different, that I just wasn't 100%. But looking back now at the person that I used to be, there was nothing wrong with me. Despite life's many attempts to bring me down and break me, I have made it, successfully, thus far. That is such an accomplishment. I have never given myself enough credit.

I may be a little damaged.
I may have a few scars.
But then again,

who doesn't? 

Shake the Dust

Reflection
Illusion
what's the difference

With each beat
a memory rises
shakes off the dust
regains its color
comes back to life
moves across the room
moving across my mind
filling my heartbeats

so close that it can almost be felt
so far that it breaks your heart
all over again

wouldn't it be nice
for one night
to hide away
beneath a fort of blankets
and take a peek
into yesterday
and pretend
it hasn't gone away

the past whispers
what seems to be true
in this moment
who knows
the future hides behind a mask
or so it seems

wipe your tears
wipe the sweat from the nape of your nake
wipe the blood from your collar bone
carry on

Skinny Love

This is not something that I wrote, but it's definitely something to consider:

Maybe today you could remember to appreciate someone in your life who you love, even if that person is tough to love sometimes.

Think about how much better their life is because you acknowledge their love.

Think about how much better your life is because you acknowledge theirs.

I think about this sometimes, and then I wonder how many people - asked to remember those in their lives whom they love despite the challenge - would think of me...

How boring would it be if we only accepted easy love?

(Also - make friends in grocery store lines)

And if you feel like you're drowning...

“This is what you do. If you feel low, you stand tall. You mess up, you move on. You want to try something, try it, and if it was a stupid thing to try, you look it in the eye. There's no turning back. You apologize if you're sorry, but know that the nimblest, strongest hands can't rebuild a bridge out of embers, so cut new wood. Start from scratch. You love with your whole heart. If you're jealous, talk yourself from the ledge. If you can't talk yourself down from the ledge, have a good time up there, looking down on the world. If you have to lie to make everything true again, lie like you mean it. If you find yourself in a cage, reach out through the bars for the key, unlock the door, and run away. If running away gets dangerous, run home. If home doesn't mean what it used to mean, decide what home will be in the future. If your best friend says she doesn't trust you, hold her jaw in your hand until it hurts, and make her face you. Thats all it takes. If you think you love a guy, see how his hand looks in yours, thats all it takes. If you get exiled into a new land, then go discover it. And if you feel like you're drowning, go swimming."
- Hobson Brown

A Little BitE of Heaven

I am ridiculously behind on the "thankful" statements. So I salute the lost days and am resuming today. And I am once again changing it up. Today, I am thankful for creative control over my life in general, but specifically when it comes to cooking. In the past, I have found much passion and success in the kitchen. I adore cooking. I adore food. I think it is beautiful, it tastes delicious, I love to try new food. I am a foody. However I tend to be the type that doesn't follow recipes. I don't follow "rules" in any other facet of my life, so why surrender creative control in the kitchen to a recipe? I love throwing stuff together and enjoying the final result. I have never had a bad experience with this. And a lot of times I will find a recipe that I like, but I will change it up by adding/subtracting ingredients and putting my own spin on it. With that said, yesterday I came across a recipe for a crockpot chicken & stuffing. I don't feel as though I was able to eat my fill of Thanksgiving food this year, since we did not cook at my house, so this sounded delightful. It had me at "stovetop stuffing". The recipe was ridiculously simple, only 4 ingredients I believe. I immediately began to come up with things to add, things that would enhance it, things I loved to eat. The finished result was b-e-a-utiful and delicious, as well as deliciously BAD for you. But it was just the comfort food that I was craving. 

Here is my rendition of Chicken & Stuffing:

4 Chicken Breasts (though in my case, my Kroger sucks ass, so I used about 6 thin-sliced chicken breasts)

1 Can Cream of Chicken Soup

1/2 - 3/4 Cup Sour Cream (I leaned toward 3/4. I also think cream cheese would taste AMAZING)

1 Box Stovetop Stuffing (I used the Savory Herbs flavor)

1/2 Can of Sweet Kernel Corn (My addition)

4 Slices Swiss Cheese (Or however many it takes to cover the top of the chicken. ALSO my addition)

I poured some of the juice from the corn in the bottom of the crockpot. 

Place the chicken in the bottom of the crockpot. 

Pour corn around chicken.

Place swiss cheese on top of chicken to cover it.

Pour dry stuffing mix on top of everything.

Mix cream of chicken, sour cream, and 1/4 Cup water

Pour mixture over stuffing.

Crank the crockpot to "low" for about 3.5 hours.

SO good on a cold and dreary day.

It could be that we are all musicians, singing our way through life. 

- East Forest

Timelines, Stepping Stones, Milestones

Over the past year, there is one thing that has been omnipresent in my life: time. How much longer until the work day is done? How much longer until my birthday or Christmas? How much longer until I am done with school? And even more present are two questions, one which plagued me in the past, and one which dwells with me right now. Then: how much longer do I have with my Pop; now: how much longer until I am reunited with him. I don't contemplate the latter very often, as I prefer to live in the present and enjoy each moment as it comes. I am aware now, more than ever, of how fleeting time can be, and I am aware of the importance of being thankful for each passing minute.  

Lately, however, I have been feeling pressure (more like putting pressure on myself) to fulfill a "timeline". I am about to turn 24 years old, and I have been feeling as though I have not accomplished enough for my age. Once upon a time I envisioned what my life "should" look like by now: college degree, career, marriage (or at least a steady relationship), the consideration of children, etc. But my life looks NOTHING like that...not one thing that I deemed "appropriate" for my age has come to fruition according to the timeline I believed I should follow. 

However, in the past year, time has given me one gift: the realization of my youth. I was born an old soul. I am a late bloomer in the "youth" chapter. I've always been quick to mature and slow to have fun, however this past year has allowed me to fully grasp my age, my youth, and my desire to embrace the freedom that comes along with being 24 years old and having no restrictions (such as a family, career, etc). I can look back now and see this as a gift. I have never had more fun, tried more new things, made new friends, and embraced the gift of life as I have in the past 365 days.

This week, my intuition has taught me something very wise: there is no timeline, I am on no one's schedule, my life is right on track, and everything is right on schedule. Things don't happen on accident, bad decisions don't happen for no reason, mistakes have a purpose. Life is seemingly a giant puzzle; each misstep, each broken heart, each detour is simply another piece of my life given to me to completely fill the puzzle. I realize that by pressuring myself to fit my life into a timeline, and by comparing my accomplishments to the accomplishments of others, I am ultimately restricting myself from many potentially life-changing experiences, and I am ignoring my present youth, when I should be embracing it. With that said, I feel more at peace with my present situation. I have made many accomplishments in my life, many that are not physically tangible, but they are equally as important. I have an "idea" about what I would like to accomplish in the next year or so, however I remain flexible as to the detours that the universe may take me on, and I look forward to the next piece in my puzzle.

Time
the sneaky little bastard
It can bring hope
Or crush it
It can cure
Or destroy
Time

Obsolete

Filling the space, filling the time
Avoiding the space between my thoughts and this page
Lacking inspiration, or maybe motivation
Lacking a muse or a love greater than the stars
Is this really necessary?

Spending the night out under the stars,
Drinks in my hands and running through my veins
Laughter pouring out from my soul
Lingering on my eyes and the corners of my mouth
Is this what it's about?

So many questions left unanswered
So many thoughts wondering around
In the corners of my messy mind
Without roots, sailing on
Without hope of finding their shore

The unexplained lingers
The questions expand and release
Some answered, others increasing with each passing moment
Defenses on and then off, on again
How does it feel to be certain?


My own mind creeping up on me
Slowly and sneakily
Until finally, in the grand scheme, I stop fighting
And my worries are rendered
Obsolete

Outside the Lines..

Day 7

So I know that I am supposed to fill this with 30 people that I am thankful for. But again, I am going to follow the unconventional ways and make that my own. Technically, this day is dedicated to people that I may not personally know, but that have affected my life in more ways than anyone. Day 7 is dedicated to the music/musicians that have truly carried me through not only the past 365 days, but also the past 24 years. I am lucky enough to have been to the shows of MANY of my favorite bands, and I have been lucky enough to enjoy those shows with a variety of my favorite people. Notably (in my book), tonight I will be attending Joshua Radin & A Fine Frenzy. This is notable (in my book) because I also went to see Joshua Radin in Memphis about 2 (maybe less) years ago with Jessica. It was one of the best shows I've seen. And I look forward to carrying on the tradition of seeing  him play for years to come. In addition, this year I was finally able to see my favorite band of all time: Band of Horses. AMAZING show. Their music sings to my soul and carries my darkest thoughts away. That may sound ridiculous, but it's the only way that I can explain it. 

Perhaps it is because I have grown up around music, but music has always run in my veins. Since I can remember (literally), I have spent as much time as possible listening to music and singing duets with Whitney, Alannis, Anthony Kiedis, Meatloaf, and more on a list so long I could never even keep up with myself. Music is my escape, my comfort, my go-to when everything else around me seems to fail. So not only does this deserve "Day 7", but it truly deserves 365 days of thanks. Because not a day goes by that I am not in some way moved by music.

Just a few of my favorite concerts that I've been lucky enough to attend:

Iron & Wine - Minglewood Hall - December 2010

Joshua Radin - Cannery Ballroom - February 2011

St. Vincent - Cannery Ballroom - May 2012

Beach House - Marathon Music - September 2012