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The Infinite

Two years.
The lines between forever and no time at all are no longer visible.
There's a giant patch of grey and numbness here
like a shot of morphine in the place where I keep you
dearest, nearest to my heart.
the connection has gone dead.
The melody that you left behind isn't as loud as it once was.
I can't hold you near to me in this realm.
there is an invisible wall between what we are and what we were.
I can't bear to look back.
I can't bear to see what I had and what is now gone.
you are not absent from existence.
but your laugh is absent from my ears.
your smile is absent from my eyes.
your words become more and more muted in my mind.
I don't know how to stop it from fading.
I don't know how to remember you without falling apart.
I don't know how to feel without feeling it all.
It's so cliche to wish for another minute, another hug, another smile.
Just the other night you were near
In my dream, you were standing close and watching silently
as I spent a time in total peace and happiness
it was like a glimpse into the future that I should have had.
I know that you watch over. I know that you hear every word.
I know that you see every tear and that you wish that no more would fall from our eyes.
For a time, you held us in your hands.
For a time, we were able to hold you in ours.
Now, we can only keep you in our hearts.
I believe that words and memories and love keep a spirit alive and present.
Know that I think of you daily, my love still overflows for you.
And on a day like today, that feels infinite, lonely and empty..
on a day like this when I feel the connection is gone,
and when I can no longer feel you near,
I will fill these days with love, memories, melodies and graciousness.
I hope that you are floating freely wherever you choose to go.
I hope that you are playing beautiful music and biding the time until we can be with you again.
You are the truest gem I've ever known.

Gravity

Things are on the verge..

Everything. 

Like a dam about to burst. 

Good things are here, now, later. 

Emotions are built up, overflowing. 

New season...new moon? Full moon?

Time is passing by so quickly. 

Why does no one notice?

Nothing can ever stay as it is. 

No one can ever stay. 

There is a certain heaviness

Lingering

Night after night

The onset of autumn

Cascading into winter

Where is the lightness?

Emotions light as a snowflake. 

But instead

Heavy and seemingly empty, as a bucket of melting snow. 

What is ahead?

Wouldn't it be nice to know?

Right now,

Heaviness rests upon the heart

In the light of the moon. 

Where is the gravity when you need it?

Enticement and Affirmations

I want to be am enticing.
I want to be am alive.
I want to be am so alive that I can do nothing but say "yes" and live.
I want to be am so alive that when people see me,
my soul is so on fire that I glow from my eyes to my fingertips to my toes.
I want to be am so alive that my lungs are filled with laughter and
my eyes are hungry for the fire in others eyes
I want to burn so brightly that I light up the atmosphere,
that I catch your attention from across the room,
that I consume you.
So much so that our eyes meet
and become one
So much so that our fingertips touch
and sparks mold us into one touch
So much so, that should our lips meet
stars would erupt and
burst from our seams.

Of Fear and Vulnerability

Fear
The feeling of falling
Of completely not knowing
Nauseating, yet
Refreshing
Like the winter time
Windows down
That burst of cold air that blows in your face
Takes your breath away
Fills your lungs with chill
And that vulnerable
and open feeling
of
Life.
Vulnerability.
The stubborn mystery
Cutting yourself open
Bearing yourself
Unsure of how to keep yourself together
While un-tucking your deepest folds
It's terrifying
You're never ready
Or so it feels

What to do?

Moments

September 2008

Moments.
In your eyes I knew.
Attraction.
Relentless love.
Neverending.
Surrender your loneliness to me.
Complete the gap between us.
Put your hand in mine.
Sunset ahead.
Aimless wandering it seems...
Purpose?
Destiny.
Resistance in tow.
Obstacles all around.
Stay or go?
Love me now.
Forever.
Return.
Persist in me.
Pursue my affection.
Follow my direction.
Give up your pride.
Have me. 
Erase.
Let go.
Allow. 
Have faith.
Loyalty.
I will never leave.
Be.
Be my love.

Words of Old

July 17, 2009

 You never know how much you enjoy being alone, until the sun’s rays are beaming in through your window, and you are begging for the shade of your neighbor palm. 

Sticky skin, warmth bellowing in from all around you, you can feel your nerves are not quite as strong as they should be. 

Cold showers, popsicles, taking a dip in your neighbor’s pool…

Heat drives anger…among other things. 

Causes things to wilt…people to wilt…

But life goes on…

Who knows how people survived back in the day.

Staring through the fan in my window, gazing outside…

I wish for the director’s “Cut”, or a scene change.

I wish for the fading out of the current view, and the brilliant opening to the next chapter.

Life seems to be much more copacetic in the movies.

Barebacked, fans blowing, nothing moving except the hundreds of thoughts in my mind…

Hot air moving from one area to the next, and back…you can pretend to be comfortable.

Pressure is on, truth is revealed…but you can pretend to be comfortable.

Missing the company of my closest companion…my other half.

Wishing that months would pass by like the cars outside…quickly and without interference. 

Missing long talks, text-less evenings, and never-ending laughs…

God i can’t wait for the re-acquaintance.

There is nothing to worry about…

Everything is fine and dandy…aside from the fact that life is ending as I know it.

But even so, I feel a calm peace about me…

There is a weakness that tries to break through the bricks in my skull, 

Beginning to beg me not to do it…

But the bricks will not budge this time, and neither will my decision.

Man if there were only a burst of cool air…

Something to soothe the toiling in my mind, and the sweat on my forehead.

The nighttime is what I am looking for…

You never know how much you enjoy having another, until the cool moist air from the night seeps through the cracks in your window sill, enough to cause goosebumps, and the desire for closeness with that person. 

Cool breeze, Light mist from the lawn, and fluffy clouds above…

Taking a walk while it is bearable…

Challenging yourself.

Enjoy that which you so rarely find…

Twirl a bit, laugh a bit, and be thankful.

Scattered, Random flowers around, like the thoughts in my mind…

It’s hard to write just one thing,

When the words just flow out of my mind all at once.

Do you understand?