Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Little BitE of Heaven

I am ridiculously behind on the "thankful" statements. So I salute the lost days and am resuming today. And I am once again changing it up. Today, I am thankful for creative control over my life in general, but specifically when it comes to cooking. In the past, I have found much passion and success in the kitchen. I adore cooking. I adore food. I think it is beautiful, it tastes delicious, I love to try new food. I am a foody. However I tend to be the type that doesn't follow recipes. I don't follow "rules" in any other facet of my life, so why surrender creative control in the kitchen to a recipe? I love throwing stuff together and enjoying the final result. I have never had a bad experience with this. And a lot of times I will find a recipe that I like, but I will change it up by adding/subtracting ingredients and putting my own spin on it. With that said, yesterday I came across a recipe for a crockpot chicken & stuffing. I don't feel as though I was able to eat my fill of Thanksgiving food this year, since we did not cook at my house, so this sounded delightful. It had me at "stovetop stuffing". The recipe was ridiculously simple, only 4 ingredients I believe. I immediately began to come up with things to add, things that would enhance it, things I loved to eat. The finished result was b-e-a-utiful and delicious, as well as deliciously BAD for you. But it was just the comfort food that I was craving. 

Here is my rendition of Chicken & Stuffing:

4 Chicken Breasts (though in my case, my Kroger sucks ass, so I used about 6 thin-sliced chicken breasts)
1 Can Cream of Chicken Soup
1/2 - 3/4 Cup Sour Cream (I leaned toward 3/4. I also think cream cheese would taste AMAZING)
1 Box Stovetop Stuffing (I used the Savory Herbs flavor)
1/2 Can of Sweet Kernel Corn (My addition)
4 Slices Swiss Cheese (Or however many it takes to cover the top of the chicken. ALSO my addition)


I poured some of the juice from the corn in the bottom of the crockpot. 
Place the chicken in the bottom of the crockpot. 
Pour corn around chicken.
Place swiss cheese on top of chicken to cover it.
Pour dry stuffing mix on top of everything.
Mix cream of chicken, sour cream, and 1/4 Cup water
Pour mixture over stuffing.
Crank the crockpot to "low" for about 3.5 hours.

SO good on a cold and dreary day.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

It could be that we are all musicians, singing our way through life. 
- East Forest

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Timelines, Stepping Stones, Milestones

Over the past year, there is one thing that has been omnipresent in my life: time. How much longer until the work day is done? How much longer until my birthday or Christmas? How much longer until I am done with school? And even more present are two questions, one which plagued me in the past, and one which dwells with me right now. Then: how much longer do I have with my Pop; now: how much longer until I am reunited with him. I don't contemplate the latter very often, as I prefer to live in the present and enjoy each moment as it comes. I am aware now, more than ever, of how fleeting time can be, and I am aware of the importance of being thankful for each passing minute.  


Lately, however, I have been feeling pressure (more like putting pressure on myself) to fulfill a "timeline". I am about to turn 24 years old, and I have been feeling as though I have not accomplished enough for my age. Once upon a time I envisioned what my life "should" look like by now: college degree, career, marriage (or at least a steady relationship), the consideration of children, etc. But my life looks NOTHING like that...not one thing that I deemed "appropriate" for my age has come to fruition according to the timeline I believed I should follow. 

However, in the past year, time has given me one gift: the realization of my youth. I was born an old soul. I am a late bloomer in the "youth" chapter. I've always been quick to mature and slow to have fun, however this past year has allowed me to fully grasp my age, my youth, and my desire to embrace the freedom that comes along with being 24 years old and having no restrictions (such as a family, career, etc). I can look back now and see this as a gift. I have never had more fun, tried more new things, made new friends, and embraced the gift of life as I have in the past 365 days.

This week, my intuition has taught me something very wise: there is no timeline, I am on no one's schedule, my life is right on track, and everything is right on schedule. Things don't happen on accident, bad decisions don't happen for no reason, mistakes have a purpose. Life is seemingly a giant puzzle; each misstep, each broken heart, each detour is simply another piece of my life given to me to completely fill the puzzle. I realize that by pressuring myself to fit my life into a timeline, and by comparing my accomplishments to the accomplishments of others, I am ultimately restricting myself from many potentially life-changing experiences, and I am ignoring my present youth, when I should be embracing it. With that said, I feel more at peace with my present situation. I have made many accomplishments in my life, many that are not physically tangible, but they are equally as important. I have an "idea" about what I would like to accomplish in the next year or so, however I remain flexible as to the detours that the universe may take me on, and I look forward to the next piece in my puzzle.

Time
the sneaky little bastard
It can bring hope
Or crush it
It can cure
Or destroy
Time


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Obsolete

Filling the space, filling the time
Avoiding the space between my thoughts and this page
Lacking inspiration, or maybe motivation
Lacking a muse or a love greater than the stars
Is this really necessary?

Spending the night out under the stars,
Drinks in my hands and running through my veins
Laughter pouring out from my soul
Lingering on my eyes and the corners of my mouth
Is this what it's about?

So many questions left unanswered
So many thoughts wondering around
In the corners of my messy mind
Without roots, sailing on
Without hope of finding their shore

The unexplained lingers
The questions expand and release
Some answered, others increasing with each passing moment
Defenses on and then off, on again
How does it feel to be certain?


My own mind creeping up on me
Slowly and sneakily
Until finally, in the grand scheme, I stop fighting
And my worries are rendered
Obsolete

Friday, November 9, 2012

Outside the Lines..

Day 7


So I know that I am supposed to fill this with 30 people that I am thankful for. But again, I am going to follow the unconventional ways and make that my own. Technically, this day is dedicated to people that I may not personally know, but that have affected my life in more ways than anyone. Day 7 is dedicated to the music/musicians that have truly carried me through not only the past 365 days, but also the past 24 years. I am lucky enough to have been to the shows of MANY of my favorite bands, and I have been lucky enough to enjoy those shows with a variety of my favorite people. Notably (in my book), tonight I will be attending Joshua Radin & A Fine Frenzy. This is notable (in my book) because I also went to see Joshua Radin in Memphis about 2 (maybe less) years ago with Jessica. It was one of the best shows I've seen. And I look forward to carrying on the tradition of seeing  him play for years to come. In addition, this year I was finally able to see my favorite band of all time: Band of Horses. AMAZING show. Their music sings to my soul and carries my darkest thoughts away. That may sound ridiculous, but it's the only way that I can explain it. 

Perhaps it is because I have grown up around music, but music has always run in my veins. Since I can remember (literally), I have spent as much time as possible listening to music and singing duets with Whitney, Alannis, Anthony Kiedis, Meatloaf, and more on a list so long I could never even keep up with myself. Music is my escape, my comfort, my go-to when everything else around me seems to fail. So not only does this deserve "Day 7", but it truly deserves 365 days of thanks. Because not a day goes by that I am not in some way moved by music.

Just a few of my favorite concerts that I've been lucky enough to attend:
Iron & Wine - Minglewood Hall - December 2010

Joshua Radin - Cannery Ballroom - February 2011
St. Vincent - Cannery Ballroom - May 2012
Beach House - Marathon Music - September 2012

Impending Catch-Up

Day 6


Perhaps rather unconventional...and though I am still behind, on Day 6 I am thankful for my fantastic boss. Not only does he keep me constantly entertained with the things that he says and does, but in his own way he really encourages me to keep pushing myself towards success and the life that I want. In the past, I never really received much fatherly advice from my Pop, but now that he cannot offer me fatherly advice, I have found pieces of fatherly advice in the workplace. Everyone needs someone to keep them on their toes, keep them moving forward, stop them from making excuses...and while I am that for my boss, he is also that for me. For that, I am eternally thankful. Without that, I would not be considering the next major choice in my life. On a side note, I am thankful for his awesome wife and equally awesome children. I am lucky to know such an amazing family.

No awkward "boss/employee" photos. So I leave you with this:
taken from his backyard, coincidentally.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Still thankful...

Since I am so behind, we will skip a person for Day 6 and put it simply: I am thankful for beautiful sunny days and the vision of sunshine beaming through clouds and trees.

Monday, November 5, 2012

The World Spins Madly On

Forgive me. I'm in a bit of a writing frenzy today. It's been a long time since I've actually put my fingers and mind to work and let my thoughts consume a page. 

So we will call this Day 5 and dedicate it to the "me" of the past 365 days. With the hopes of not sounding self-important, I think I deserve my own day of thanks. I find that often times I prefer to rely on myself rather than others. However this past year I have tried to challenge myself to allow others to offer support, and for that I am thankful. It is difficult for a rock that often holds the stormy seas of others at bay to let itself become consumed by those seas and find its own structure of support. But it is something that I am learning day by day. I am constantly challenged with this facet of my personality, but I am working to allow the people that I love to bless me with the support that I try to offer them. It's a work in progress, but I think that may be my favorite part of life...the learning never ever stops, and I am one that loves the mind-aerobics.

I think so many times we let our own lives get in our way. We forget to breathe, we forget to listen, we forget to wait, we forget to think, we forget to remember. In a world that is constantly moving and changing, never stopping for our grief or our injury, it is so easy to get lost in the commotion. It's such a tempting lifestyle...always moving, never standing still, never reflecting. I think what most people don't realize is that even though the world may constantly turn, despite the fact that the universe does not stop to mourn for us or with us, we may not be able to stop the world, but we can pause ourselves. Reflection is so important. Without it, we cannot remember who we once were, and we cannot see who we are becoming. For some, it is easier not to acknowledge or reflect, but I find that each year, around this time, I want to reflect, remember and respect the "me" of the past year and the journey that I have been on for the past 365 days. Life itself is a journey, but I like to compartmentalize my "journey" into years, or chapters. You know, chapter 7 "the crazy college girl" of 2007, chapter 8 "dating that jerk" from 2008-2010, chapter 9 "the mindless fun" of 2010, etc. Maybe it is the writer in me, but I prefer to keep my story in chapters. For me, it is easier to reflect on a chapter, close it, and move on to what comes next. We can't honor our past when we cannot give it the respect it deserves.

I feel so lucky to be one of the few people that does not get caught up in the chaos of things. I do not like to dwell on things, I do not get psychotic if my hair doesn't fall just right, I don't have a breakdown if my shoes aren't tight enough or my house isn't set up "just so"....I just cannot fathom dedicating that kind of mental energy to things that are truly irrelevant. No, my day will not be ruined if I turn on the radio only to find that my favorite song is just ending. I cannot sit here and say that my mind is only consumed by intellectually deep and profound truths that are known only by the gods and myself, but I can sit here and say that I personally know what matters to myself; I can also say with confidence that what matters to me is not universal, and I understand that. 

Yes, I am a perfectionist. I like my writing to be justified. I like the dishes washed a certain way and put up a certain way. I spend hours making a mix, listening to each song to make sure they flow seamlessly into the next song, and make sure the moods are too splotchy. I like my movie collection to be organized a certain way. I have my own opinions and my own way of doing just about everything under the sun. But recently I have noticed my "know-it-all" attitude, and I have also noticed that it's something that I want to change. That is one of the things that I am going to challenge myself with this year: I do not know everything. There is always another way to do something. My way is NOT the only way. That will be difficult, but I find that I am always up for the challenge. And I will reiterate from an earlier post: it is basically my goal in life to do things differently. For some reason, my soul cannot be at peace with following the majority. I have to go my own way. 

Another thing that I want to challenge myself to do is to locate that "sweet Kayla" chapter and make sure that it still exists so that I can reincorporate that into who I am today. Don't get me wrong, I am still sweet Kayla, but a lot of the sweetness is tucked away behind the smart-ass Kayla and the tell-it-like-it-is Kayla. Those took a long time to develop, and trust me they are much needed, but I don't want to lose my heart. For so many years as I tried to dodge the "sweet Kayla" label that was constantly put on me. That is how everyone saw me. But I now realize that there are much worse labels, and to be labeled as sweet wasn't a bad thing.

So here is to working toward the smart-ass-up-front-sassy-but-ultimately-sweet Kayla. 

Where to Begin...

Day 4

Continuing the familial posts of thanks, this person certainly deserves her own post, uniquely and specifically for her. Our story starts about 15 years ago, but our connection precedes any story. There has never been a person that can drive me more crazy, and never a person that can offer better conversation. I may not have come from her womb, and I may not carry her genes, but I can guarantee that I did come from her heart and soul. I am certainly a product of this woman, I owe much of who I am to her.


Our story began before we had a clue (I guess that's how they always begin). But for me, our story started on the night that I scribbled in an old journal about a woman that I had met, and how I wished more than anything that someone like her could be my mother. This was my first lesson in the "Be careful what you wish for..." chapter. Not long after I made this wish, I found myself standing at her front door with a suitcase of issues (and clothes). Thus begins years of learning to push each others' buttons and learning how to "deal" with each other. Eventually, as I got older, we found common ground and truly developed a mother-daughter connection. Not to say that we did not face many bumps and arguments over the years, and not to say that I did not enjoy my secret eye-rolling just as much as before, but it became easier to trust than distrust, easier to love than to dislike, easier to accept than fight the fact that my Pop was no longer my own, but that I had to share him with two other girls. As the years went by, we became best friends. She became the person that I wanted to tell everything to and share everything with. We used to have routines and traditions: we would get coffee together, interpret each others' dreams, go Black Friday shopping like mad women, go to all of the chick flicks, eat Chinese food, and the list goes on and on. Even when I am so frustrated with her that I just want to scream, time has taught me that sometimes it is better to go to bed angry. As with everyone, we have had to overcome many hurdles, but no hurdle more difficult to jump over than one brought upon us this year. Once again, I had to accept the fact that my Pop was no longer MY Pop. Only this time, she learned this lesson with me. I think it's safe to say that it's been the most difficult year of either of our lives, but it's also safe to say that we will make it through this together. We will make new traditions. We will tell new stories. We will still go Black Friday shopping like mad women. But we will also remember old traditions, share old memories, and hold every moment with my Pop closest to our hearts. I think there is a lot to be said about a family that works together and fights to survive together, especially when the only thing holding the family together is love rather than blood. It also says a lot about a person that can literally take in someone else's child and develop a relationship with that child as if it were your own. I am so thankful to have her in my life, and so thankful for the things I have learned from her. I have learned from her grace, strength, resilience, (and also her control-freak-ness, stubbornness, the need to be right, etc..). I know that I carry much of my Pop with me, in the person that I am today, but I also know that I carry many parts of her around and always will.

So on Day 4 of giving thanks, I am thankful for the life that she worked so hard to provide for me.


And so it continues...(Day 2 & Day 3)

Day 2

To say that my family situation is "odd" would be the understatement of the year. I won't even begin to try to explain it, as the more I explain, the more people tend to get confused. So let me keep it simple: I am the daughter of a wonderful man and an eccentric woman. I am the sister of a rambunctious brother and a hyperactive and hyper-talented sister. With that said, this post is dedicated to my baby sister.


She is a teenager, somewhat newly, and with that age comes many things. A smart mouth, a know-it-all attitude, major PMS, psychotic obsession with movie stars (and 90% of the male species), obnoxious energy, and relentless pestering. There are definitely days that I want to put duct tape over my sisters mouth so that she will stop her incessant 24 hour sing-along or her non-stop talk about Josh Hutcherson, Twilight, and The Hunger Games, but in general, I am crazy about my baby sister. She keeps me young and always makes me laugh. I have to take some credit for her awesome sense of humor. The rest can be attributed to her dad. She has also been through a lot this year...major milestones and loss have come her way, and I am proud to say that she also has the survivor gene. She has not let these obstacles stop her, and she has been there to lift everyone up even when it seemed she should have been the one needing the lifting. I can't say how proud I am of the person she is becoming. She has the biggest heart in the world, and on the days when I can't seem to find compassion or empathy, she shares some of hers with me. She is bright-eyed and excited for the future, and she definitely has an incredible future ahead of her. I have always connected to her, ever since she was a baby. I know that we will always be close no matter what happens. She may be 9.5 years younger than me, but I consider her one of my absolute best friends. I look forward to growing older with her and seeing all of the wonderful places that life takes her. 



Against the Grain

Time to turn a new leaf! Starting fresh with new goals, new mantras, and a new blog! I'm new to this blog format, so forgive me while I get comfortable in the new habitat.

So it is now November, my birthday month. October came and left like a thief in the night! As both my birthday and Thanksgiving are approaching, I always get into a contemplative state of mind and try to evaluate the past year since my prior birthday. I know that during November, men aren't supposed to shave (thank you, Jesus! Can I get an amen?!) and women are supposed to not wear makeup or something along those lines (let's face it...can we REALLY go a month without shaving? That's just gross.). People put up a new "thankful" statement, some serious while others are a humorous interpretation. So rather than follow the norm, which you will soon find out is something that I go out of my way to AVOID...I'm going to do 30 days of thankful for the people in my life who have kept me going this past year. It's been a tough year, but a year full of growth and discovery. I'm a little bit behind, so I'm going to cram a few people into the first few posts.